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There are no words…

And too many of them!

Have you ever been hit by a truck? While parked on the side of the road? Blindfolded? Tossed in the trunk? Right now, I feel like I have been.

Tonight I was presented with some information about one of my children that devastated me. But, not in the way you may think. I am angry. Full on wanting to say not so nice words at the top of my voice angry. I am vivid.

A child of mine is a liar. A child of mine is a cheater. A child of mine uses drugs. A child of mine drinks. A child of mine uses horrible language at the people who love them the most. Not what I expect from a child of mine.

My husband and I raise our kids with firm but loving standards. They are the same for all five of our kids. Our expectations are reasonable and completely attainable. We show love and discipline in equal parts. And today, in this moment, I feel failure breathing down my neck.

I am sitting in this situation feeling as though I have let this child down. That somewhere in my parenting there is a crack, a canyon sized fissure, that I missed and this monster emerged from it. It angers me.

I fully understand parents who stand dazed as a situation unfolds and says the words “I don’t know what to do.” Today, I am that parent. I don’t know what to do. That infuriates me.

There is a monster marching around in the world wearing my child’s face. There is sneaky, liar slinking around carrying my child’s name. And I don’t know what to do.

I’ve shed angry tears. I’ve clinched my fists to keep the still. I’ve prayed ceaselessly when I can quiet the screaming devil inside my head. But, I still don’t know what to do.

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